Realizing it was the start of my birth month, the real start to my new year I decided this year I won’t be celebrating my 22 years of life, instead I’ll be celebrating this as the year I am reborn into my own person and the new life I’m creating for myself. I knew before I could start fresh I had to dig deep into my psychological wounds and clean out any lingering bacteria infecting my body and soul before I could heal and start over. I took myself to the beach, where I find my mind is the clearest and I began my self-reflection.
From a very young age my mother and I swapped roles. She always needed me more than I needed her. I was as my mother put it “the reason she’s still alive” as kind as she meant it that’s a lot of pressure for a kid, but I earned such a strong love and approval compared to those who chose not to tolerate her problems and at the end of the day if someone you love tells you that all the suffering you do to support them keeps them alive you’re going to go above and beyond to ensure they stick around. My dad was very different, he was very touch and go, one weekend I’d see him and then years would go by with no sign of him. When I would spend time with my dad he would just express resentment and disgust in my mother and her parents so I always felt like I had to act different, better, in hopes that would achieve his love and acceptance.
I see how this has shaped me in so many ways. I am a very insecure person, I have an unhealthy need to be loved and accepted by everyone I meet. My self-worth was based on how everyone else valued me. I’ll always put other people’s needs and wants before mine because I had this idea love was always achieved through self-sacrifice; I never understood it could be unconditional.
2015 has been a rocky start to say the least. In January I said goodbye to my darling grandmother who was basically my safety net when mum didn’t have her shit together. Which obviously my mother didn’t handle to well so there’s been a bit of drug induced violence. In February despite meeting a man I consider the love of my life, I got drunk and went home with an old flame (aka asshole that treated me like shit) simply because I couldn’t say no even though I wanted to. I couldn’t understand why I went when I didn’t want to but when I take a step back and look at this boy’s qualities it’s clear he represents my daddy issues, a sickening thought but oh so true. I couldn’t resist my desire to be accepted and wanted by the man who barely showed me any interest so I went and through that I lost the one man who meant the world to me and I may never get him back. Two months in and my two greatest loves have left me and I have never felt so lost and fucked up.
I was laying there with wounds wide open, I let them hurt me one last time and then I made my to the water and submerged myself in the ocean. In the silent serenity underwater I told myself I was forgiven for all my past life mistakes, this salt water is cleansing the wounds in my body and soul of this past person I was made to be and when I emerge from the water I will be whoever I choose to be, these wounds are healed and will not control me anymore. I said it to myself over and over again until I felt it was true, and as I came out of the water and felt the sun warm my skin, I truly felt something was different.
My new life has started, and I’m so excited.
All My Love,