My Greatest High

Even as I begin a new life, it’s easy to find myself losing grip of it. Considering 13 hours out of my day revolve around working in an office, 5 days a week and getting home too late to do anything, it’s hard to stop myself switching into auto-pilot. Anyone who has a similar work schedule could agree that in such a boring, repetitive pattern, you just kind of waft through the week, you’re up and doing what you need to do but you’re not really there, you’re not living it.  I fell back into auto-pilot the first week into my new life, when I realised this I decided I needed to do something crazy. So I bought myself a ticket to go skydiving on Saturday morning.
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Now I’ve always been an adrenaline junkie, you couldn’t find a rollercoaster that I’d refuse, with that being said, jumping out of a moving plane at 14,000 feet in the air is a whole new ball park. I realised this as soon as the tandem had me hanging out the side of the plane with nothing to hold onto but myself. As I hung there looking at my feet dangling above the clouds, the fear was like nothing I’ve felt before, I could feel the my blood rushing through my veins at an accelerated pace, I couldn’t even scream I was in a state of shock. All of a sudden I felt the drop and we were all of a sudden backwards and I was watching the plane pass over the top of me and all my fear just went away. I felt insane, I can’t even describe it, the adrenaline coursing through my whole body, the feeling of falling through the sky. I have never felt so alive in my entire life. Throughout the whole 45 seconds of free falling through the clouds, flipping, twisting and watching my scenery flip back and forth from the beautiful clouds in the sky to the stunning birds eye view of the coastline, I fell in love with the feeling.
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Even after I landed I was buzzing, all day I was so happy and exhilarated. I knew somewhere along the way I’d lost my lust for life and living but this experience has rekindled that old flame. I forgot the feeling of really being alive but now I’ve felt it I’m addicted. As cliché as this sounds, I was high on life and it was the best high I’ve ever had. That shot of adrenaline was just what I needed to bring me back to life, I am ready to live again, experience new things and embrace life as much as I possibly can. I am back, and as for skydiving, well it’s safe to say that’s definitely not the last time I’ll be doing it.

All My Love,
Dazey Duke

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A Fresh Start

Realizing it was the start of my birth month, the real start to my new year I decided this year I won’t be celebrating my 22 years of life, instead I’ll be celebrating this as the year I am reborn into my own person and the new life I’m creating for myself. I knew before I could start fresh I had to dig deep into my psychological wounds and clean out any lingering bacteria infecting my body and soul before I could heal and start over. I took myself to the beach, where I find my mind is the clearest and I began my self-reflection.

From a very young age my mother and I swapped roles. She always needed me more than I needed her. I was as my mother put it “the reason she’s still alive” as kind as she meant it that’s a lot of pressure for a kid, but I earned such a strong love and approval compared to those who chose not to tolerate her problems and at the end of the day if someone you love tells you that all the suffering you do to support them keeps them alive you’re going to go above and beyond to ensure they stick around. My dad was very different, he was very touch and go, one weekend I’d see him and then years would go by with no sign of him. When I would spend time with my dad he would just express resentment and disgust in my mother and her parents so I always felt like I had to act different, better, in hopes that would achieve his love and acceptance.

I see how this has shaped me in so many ways. I am a very insecure person, I have an unhealthy need to be loved and accepted by everyone I meet. My self-worth was based on how everyone else valued me. I’ll always put other people’s needs and wants before mine because I had this idea love was always achieved through self-sacrifice; I never understood it could be unconditional.

2015 has been a rocky start to say the least. In January I said goodbye to my darling grandmother who was basically my safety net when mum didn’t have her shit together. Which obviously my mother didn’t handle to well so there’s been a bit of drug induced violence. In February despite meeting a man I consider the love of my life, I got drunk and went home with an old flame (aka asshole that treated me like shit) simply because I couldn’t say no even though I wanted to. I couldn’t understand why I went when I didn’t want to but when I take a step back and look at this boy’s qualities it’s clear he represents my daddy issues, a sickening thought but oh so true. I couldn’t resist my desire to be accepted and wanted by the man who barely showed me any interest so I went and through that I lost the one man who meant the world to me and I may never get him back. Two months in and my two greatest loves have left me and I have never felt so lost and fucked up.

I was laying there with wounds wide open, I let them hurt me one last time and then I made my to the water and submerged myself in the ocean. In the silent serenity underwater I told myself I was forgiven for all my past life mistakes, this salt water is cleansing the wounds in my body and soul of this past person I was made to be and when I emerge from the water I will be whoever I choose to be, these wounds are healed and will not control me anymore. I said it to myself over and over again until I felt it was true, and as I came out of the water and felt the sun warm my skin, I truly felt something was different.

My new life has started, and I’m so excited.

All My Love,
Dazey Duke

How I Found The Good In My Bad Today

So my first step towards finding my best-self is attempting to practice mindfulness, I know what you’re thinking “oh here we go another trend follower, rambling on about mindfulness”. I’m telling you though it’s worth a try.
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I took this photograph a while ago, but this is exactly what my morning was, and getting out of bed was a struggle to say the least. After being up all night trying to restrain my intoxicated mother and my aggressive sister from killing each other I was exhausted; and the idea of going to a job where I need to be energetic and focused all day – excuse my language but it fucking sucked.

I managed to roll out of bed and shuffle my way to the front porch for my daily routine of a morning coffee and cigarette. All I could think was how painful it was getting out of bed , how freezing it was outside and how shit my life is. Then I remembered a motivational speaker I saw yesterday at a work conference saying “You can’t control what happens in life, what you can control is how you respond to it”. So I stopped and I traded in my thoughts for feels. We all have that song we put on when we want to escape, I want to share mine, some might not be into it but some of you might understand when I say it sends you into a world of tranquility and beauty that you just lose yourself in.

I plugged the headphones in and as I took a sip of my fresh hot coffee, I felt the warmth run through my body. Feeling a little bit more of that toasty feeling with every sip I thought to myself how perfect it feels to have a hot drink on a cool crisp day. How good it was to have that hot mug warming up my frozen fingers. As the music took me away I began to take in my surroundings, looking at how beautiful my empty street looked as the sun started to rise and spread it’s warm glow across the treetops. I said to myself.

I am grateful.

I am grateful that when it’s cold I can go make myself a warm drink, when many people in this world can’t even access clean water.

I am grateful for having a bed so comfortable and warm that its a struggle to get out of everyday, when many people have nothing but a thin sheet on a hard floor to call a bed. My world today seems beautiful to me and I feel lucky to be in it, because I chose to seek the beauty; I see it and I feel it. Maybe if you try, you can feel this too.

All My Love,
Dazed Duke.

A Little About Me

 My First Post!

My life has never been easy. Don’t get me wrong I know it’s never easy for anyone and there’s a lot of people more worse off than I…I’m just saying for me, it’s been really hard.

I was reading a blog in which this person spoke of looking back on a happy child hood memory, wishing they could return to that time of simplicity and happiness.

When I look back, the only memories that come to mind are that of asking my mum, when I was 5 years old, to plait my hair for my first school photo. She was too immobilised by drugs to accomplish the task and, dragging me across the room by my hair, screamed at me for being so difficult.

I’ve learnt a lot in my 21 years… while some were 11, they’d have their parents helping them to learn their times tables; when I was 11, I was helping my mum while she was fitting on the bathroom floor from a heroin overdose.

I wish I could say things got easier from here…not to say nothing’s changed. I am almost 22 and working a somewhat successful job, in the process of making something of myself…and yet I still come home to the same process of hiding in my bedroom when mums demons come out to play, crying myself to sleep at night. Tonight I decided enough is enough. I have convinced myself at this very moment that this is a turning point for me.

This blog isn’t intended to receive pity or sympathy. Anyone who knows me is aware I’ve developed a strong head and I am, in some ways, thankful for the cards I’ve been dealt because if I can make it 21 years through this then I can handle whatever cruel obstacles life intends to throw at me.

I’m doing this to inspire, motivate and support myself and anyone else out there who might need it. You can live in an ugly world but still find its beauty. If you choose seek out ugly, know that’s all you’ll ever get, even if you don’t mean to. Not me though, not anymore.

So to any of you out there that can relate to my story, I am here to tell you that this doesn’t have to be it for us. I recently saw the film Wild and there was one line that really embedded itself in me:

“You Can Put Yourself In The Way Of Beauty”

This line made me wake up to myself and I am now on the path to finding my best self and the beauty of life that we’ve been gifted in this mad world. If you would like to join me I’d be honoured whether it’s to give or receive advice, support or just some motivation; I’m here for you and I’m always thankful to have you here for me 🙂

All My Love,
Dazey Duke